Its so bad that I'm scared of getting into a relationship.. I mean I'm dating which is fun but I'm not sure I want any commitment.
I see myself been a single mom sometimes in the future. I know its a bad feeling or assumption but I just can't help it. That's how I feel.
After my break up which I'm not sure I've fully gotten over even though I live in denial... I just dnt want to get into anything else..its been more than a year and sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes I ask myself why I cut it off.. But between the two of us, I had all the reason in the world to. I definitely deserved better... But I'm not going into that story. Too much drama. Definitely not caught up.
Its funny how those who live in denial know the truth but chose to live in a lie (I don't want to use the word pretense)
I remember the day my mom called my sis n I and said "Don't ever manage in any relationship because if you manage at an early age what would you do when you're married Also, never lead any man on"
We figured she was talking from experience.
Its been years, and up till now she says the only mistake she made in her life and regrets was marrying my dad. I mean that's pretty harsh but trust me its the truth.
Sometimes I get so mad and I ask God why? Why her, why us...I got no response and kinda figured it all on my own I think. Life is all a risk.
She said marriage is like a dark room and you don't know what's in it till you get in.
This is me ranting. I'm such a scorpio! I'm so secretive and it kills me. When I need to get sth off my mind.. I go take a warm shower and talk to myself till I feel better.
Also, what's the essence of telling people how you feel or what you're going through when there is really nothing they can do about it. And I hate people pitying me so might as well keep it to myself.
I'm such a man atimes... My pride kills me.
This is the first summer I actually went out of my comfort zone... It was fun! I did so many things nifemi would never do. I guess that's the adventrous part of me.
I'm not from a broken home, but I'm no different. God, I'm so grateful for my mom, I couldn't have asked for a better mom but definitely wished I had a better dad.
Its kind of awkward/weird/strange to me when I see a beautiful relationship btw daughter/son n d father - geez why can't that be me.. But oh well.
Nifemi enough of this rubbish.
Growing up, I wasn't surrounded by people from broken homes but by people who were not happy in their marriages but would not get out of it because of their kids. I was quite a smart child so I knew the difference between happiness and pretense at an early age.
I get the fact that most mothers would rather stay in an unhappy marriage just for their kids to have a father figure..which kind of doesn't make sense to me. Because what about the child? They grow up with a different perspective about life, men and marriage.
It still amazes me how people date.. You know the whole process... The honey moon stage n the rest.. Proposing, marriage, and all of a sudden the monster in the man/woman comes out.
I'm done ranting...I just hard to pour out mind.
Keeping my fingers crossed... I hope i find someone who would force me to talk and I would feel comfortable sharing my stories and pouring out my heard to.. It's really going to be hard that's why my fingers are crossed.
"Don't judge my decisions without understanding my reasons."
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