Can't rain forever

I'm dedicating this post to my beautiful and wonderfully made short rat... My tibumbum with the squeaky voice! Lol! The only human thay thinks my uncle looks like Awolowo.. Sucha weirdo! I remember when she told me he looks like Awolowo, my response was "yes, he is the one.. We jst like to keep it a secret so people don't know we're rich like that" lol!
PS: Obafemi Awolowo was one of the founding fathers of Nigeria

Its 4:29:40 AM and I'm awake because I had two grande cups of iced caramel latte w/ half and half, whip cream on top w/ caramel drizzle from starbucks.. It was sooo good! I know I'm greedy, I don't need a reminder, Thank you! 

Tibumbum love, its going to be okay.. Everything is going to be just fine! Someone once told me "It might be stormy now, but it can never rain forever" Be strong now because things would definitely get better.

Okay, its 4:47:54 AM and I promised myself I must fall asleep by 5:00 AM. I mean if sleep isn't man enough to come meet me, I'll go meet it. 

Scenerio- 

Imagine being w/ that one person in your life that you just can't give up on, the one person who treats you like shit yet you always seem to give them another chance? And no matter how many times you say this is their last one, you know it's a lie because there's always just one more waiting for them. The one person you know you're better off without, but you can't find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn't know what to do without them. The one person you know doesn't deserve you, but yet you choose to overlook it because you're in "LOVE"

Anyways, moving on - PS: I really feel offended when some girls/ladies say they can't start over so they would rather manage the relationsh they're in. I call it relationsh not relationship because well... I guess the relationship is incomplete or Idk I guess coz its my blog so I can say whaterver!...

Quick story! - the other a friend told me she knows her man cheats and won't leave him becuase what's the point or gurantee that if she leaves him the next dude she ends up w/ won't cheat so might she as well hang in there.. Like seriously? What on earth is this world turning into? 

Sometimes, we really don't know what we have till its gone. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives that mean so much to us.

Its 5:07:18 AM really need to get some sleep.

To be honest and in my opinion,I think sometimes you have to hit your leg so hard on a stone to realize youre strong! strong enough to get back up and try it all again.

To be continued.

Lost in thoughts

Dear blog,
I haven't been fair to you in so long... I haven't visited you in months neither have i written to you. I've had a lot going on and I really do not know where to start from.

Too many things going on but I'm definitely going to blog about them and make sure you guys catch up on the gist.

My excuses for not blogging, First; I've been too lazy to blog, second; my computer screen is blank.. well the LCD is broken so i literally  have to connect it to the TV to use it.. Yes I know I need a new computer.. I don't need no reminder. Third, I'm in NYC tooo many things going on.. I'l rather go out than blog.. that's how bad I have gotten.. I mean even when I go out, I usually write my posts on my phone then email it to myself then post in on my blog...complicated I know.. But even my phone has issues.. Everything seems to be going wrong.. But oh well, cant really complain.

Of late, I've been lost in my thoughts... If you know me well, you realize I am more of a listener than a talker.. well, "Empathy" is one of my strengths according to Clifton Strength Finder.. We all had to take the Strength Finders test as a freshman back in college.

Empathy in my own words is "when you can sense the feelings or thoughts of others" Don't get me wrong.. I'm not a witch..lol! Its just natural. For instance: I can talk to someone for less than 5 minutes and tell what kind of person he/she is and tell what he/she is going through. Well, I think I exaggerated the 5 minutes.. Lets say 20minutes or so.

Anyways, the sad part of been a good listener is "Who is your listener"

I am my Listener... I enjoy talking to myself.. Call me a Weido.

You ever being in a situation where by someone is talking to you and you're nodding your head giving all the non verbal signs that you're paying attention but your mind is really not there? and when he/or she says "oh whats the last thing I said." and your response is "what, I dint get that.. was about to ask you. Lol" Yep, that;s me blanking out and lost in my thoughts.

My Perspective on Marriage

Marriage is supposed to be sacred. Its a religious act and if you can't abide by the rules that govern it, don't get into it.

The problem with today's society is that most people do things because the society says its right and not because we in person think its right. In other words, we literally live our lives the way society says/wants.

I'm going to use marriage as an example and use Nigeria to back my points. I guess its cause I'm Nigerian. ..and I partially don't believe in marriage. I'll explain why  so you don't judge me. I mean I don't even give a "Fish" if you do. Its just my perspective.

In Nigeria, an ideal responsible man is one who has a good job, wife and kid(s) while a responsible woman is one who has a husband and kid(s)

What about the bachelor or bachelorette who is in his/her late 30's or 40's? They are partially accepted in the society but referred to as incomplete just because they haven't said the "I DO" to anyone. Am I Right or Wrong?

I would use our parents as examples because we're in the 21st century and the way things worked back then is totally different from how things work now.

PS: it doesn't have to be my story.
Most of our parents were/are unhappy about how their marriages turned out. I mean we're not kids anymore.. We can definitely tell the difference between happiness and pretense just to please the kids.

A typical Nigerian or maybe African mom (well I can't speak for other countries in Africa so I'll stick to Nigeria) As I was saying, A typical Nigerian mom would stay in a marriage that is like hell just for her kids.. I mean I don't get that... Even when its glaring that she's unhappy she still stays in the marriage hoping God would intervain in the husband or rather just for the kids to have a father figure... I mean I understand the whole father figure gist and all.. But what if the father doesn't give a "Fish" about the kids? Why still hang in there? I don't get it...
 I remember one time.. Many years ago, I asked mom why she dint get a divorce and she said her dad told her not to. Keep in mind mom is very educated. She studied accounting in Boston and moved back to Nigeria to get married. She's a beautiful, well educated smart lady that know's her right. Never seen a human as patient as she is my whole life.

As I was saying, she said her dad told her not to get a Divorce after 5 kids. He kept telling her to hang in there, Which she did. All my life, I have never seen this woman happy or loved. The only humans that make her smile, happy and thankful for life are her kids. She keeps apologizing saying "I'm sorry you all don't know what it means for a father to love you. I was the apple of my father's eyes.. It was a beautiful feeling, I'm sorry." Of cause that hurts but what would you do if the only option you had was accepting your faith.

Dad never sat with us like a father did. He never took us out...I have nothing to show that my dad got me. All I remember was him waking up in the morning and yelling at us all. I mean that was a typical day for us. I always made his tea in the morning so they all thought I was his favorite! Haha, I so wish. We all new none of us were his favorite. We got super excited when he left for work in the morning because we got peace of mind when he leaves the house. He won't return till past 12am sometimes 2am. That was normal for us. In other words the only times we spent with him was in the morning.. Which all he does is yells and at night when he comes home.. When we are all asleep. During the weekends, we get the usually treatment but its usually longer because he leaves home at noon. It was horrible I won't deny that, but we got used to it after all the years.

One day we all asked mom if he was really our dad because we still dint understand how a father treats his children the way we were treated. And she responded saying "what kind of dumb question is that" we all look like him which is enough proof that he is father but it felt like there was something we dint know. I guess there was really nothing. All I know was if he did love us, which I doubt, that was the wrongest of all wrong ways to show it.

Mom was/is dad and mom at the same time. She did everything and all the things a parent would do. I am where I am because of her.

The days she cries because of him was hell for us. We all cried with her. A very painful experience you don't want to experience.
 We even told her to get a divorce and she said what about us. What do you mean what about us? You're not happy here neither are we so why are you putting us in this mystery? She said nothing. All she said was "I hope all of you especially my daughters won't make the same mistake I made"

I asked, were you two ever in love? She responded "marriage is like a dark room, you don't know what's in it till you get in" that made all the sense in the world.

In other words, "pretense" is the key. The probability of a man/woman pretending in a relationship is very high.


Funny how " Women Marry Men hoping they would change and Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."


I'm going to stop here because I can definitely write a book on this topic based on my perspective.. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all marriages end up this way, like i said it's just my perspective and the way i see it.


I just keep hoping for the best for myself.. and remembering " the secret to a successful marriage remains a secret"

 

Heavy Heart

What it means to have a heavy heart?

 When you have so many things going on in your life and there is really no one you can open up to or talk to.

You keep handling situations and issues on your own coz u realize you're  in this world on your own.

 People really dnt knw what you go through. No one can feel ur pains. All they see is ur struggles, tears, and sadness.

Then they try to console u by telln u nt to stress and everything wld be fine. C'mon we know everyth wld b fine.
 We just need someone to tell us something different. Something like an answer to the situation or problem. And since that's impossible, how is the saying " a problem shared is a problem half solved"? Really solved?

I mean it works in some situations but not all.

I have a lame perspective, I agree... And it is, what's the essence of sharing ur problems/issues when it can't be half solved or solved at all. I mean there are some things we go through that no one can really do anything about.


I mean literally all they would do is just pity you. And that i hate.
 I know I have a big problem. Its nt a problem persay, I'll call it a flaw. I keep things to myself too much tht it hurts. It hurts.. I don't know how to open upp and pour out my heart.. I have to be pressured to do so. Apparently, my EX realized that through my blog. I'm sorry, that's just who I am.

How amazing would it be if there was someone who knew u so well to the extent that he/she knew when something was bugging you even though you wore the "everything is just fine" look.

I'm super good at that... I can be laughing, smilling, playing, even acting like I jst won a lottery when I know deep down all isn't ok. Hopefully I find someone like that or better still I learn to open up which is something I'm working on... Its just so hard.

I'm sure a weirdo.

I should be asleep, but I just broke down.. I mean I need to once in a blue moon. That's how I feel relieved :) Hopefully I don't fall sick in the A.M so that I won't have to call off from work.

A friend once said - "God won't put us in situations that we can't handle" that's what I keep telling myself.. So I'm pretty positive that at the end, all would be fine. :)

Pardon me while I rant

Geez, I'm so scared of settling down...I'm not even going to deny that.

Its so bad that I'm scared of getting into a relationship.. I mean I'm dating which is fun but I'm not sure I want any commitment.

I see myself been a single mom sometimes in the future. I know its a bad feeling or assumption but I just can't help it. That's how I feel.

After my break up which I'm not sure I've fully gotten over even though I live in denial... I just dnt want to get into anything else..its been more than a year and sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes I ask myself why I cut it off.. But between the two of us, I had all the reason in the world to. I definitely deserved better... But I'm not going into that story. Too much drama. Definitely not caught up.

Its funny how those who live in denial know the truth but chose to live in a lie (I don't want to use the word pretense)

I remember the day my mom called my sis n I and said "Don't ever manage in any relationship because if you manage at an early age what would you do when you're married Also, never lead any man on"

We figured she was talking from experience.

Its been years, and up till now she says the only mistake she made in her life and regrets was marrying my dad. I mean that's pretty harsh but trust me its the truth.

Sometimes I get so mad and I ask God why? Why her, why us...I got no response and kinda figured it all on my own I think. Life is all a risk.

She said marriage is like a dark room and you don't know what's in it till you get in.

This is me ranting. I'm such a scorpio! I'm so secretive and it kills me. When I need to get sth off my mind.. I go take a warm shower and talk to myself till I feel better.

Also, what's the essence of telling people how you feel or what you're going through when there is really nothing they can do about it.  And I hate people pitying me so might as well keep it to myself.

I'm such a man atimes... My pride kills me.

This is the first summer I actually went out of my comfort zone... It was fun! I did so many things nifemi would never do. I guess that's the adventrous part of me.

I'm not from a broken home, but I'm no different. God, I'm so grateful for my mom, I couldn't have asked for a better mom but definitely wished I had a better dad.

Its kind of awkward/weird/strange to me when I see a beautiful relationship btw daughter/son n d father - geez why can't that be me.. But oh well.

Nifemi enough of this rubbish.

Growing up, I wasn't surrounded by people from broken homes but by people who were not happy in their marriages but would not get out of it because of their kids. I was quite a smart child so I knew the difference between happiness and pretense at an early age.

I get the fact that most mothers would rather stay in an unhappy marriage just for their kids to have a father figure..which kind of doesn't make sense to me. Because what about the child? They grow up with a different perspective about life, men and marriage.

It still amazes me how people date.. You know the whole process... The honey moon stage n the rest.. Proposing, marriage, and all of a sudden the monster in the man/woman comes out.
I'm done ranting...I just hard to pour out mind.

Keeping my fingers crossed... I hope i find someone who would force me to talk and I would feel comfortable sharing my stories and pouring out my heard to.. It's really going to be hard that's why my fingers are crossed.

"Don't judge my decisions without understanding my reasons."

BLIND DATE

Okay, today was super duper funny! I went on a BLIND DATE.

I doubt if I'll ever do this again.. But errm, I Love adventure so I'm not going to guarantee myself it won't happen again.

Not going to say how I met this dude, well we never met in person, all we did was send eachother emails then later exchanged numbers.. I mean it was fun texting a  stranger. He sent me his picture and I refused to send mine.. Because I dint want to.

Lil info, he was in the army, originally from Haiti but has been here all his life, and yada yada yada!

One day we were texting and a conversation about  "Five guys Burger" came upp. Never been there but I heard they have the best Burgers Ever!!

He decided to try it and said if it tasted so good, we would have our first date there. I agreed.

He went to five Guys, loved it and couldn't wait to take me there.. This was in June. He went to Haiti got back and we decided to meet at the Five Guys Burger on 43rd and 3rd ave, I agreed.

So, on that faithful day which was today, I was suPposed to run some errands for my mom so I could only spend about an hour and a half with him.

I got off the subway, he already texted me to tell me where he was waiting. When I got close to where he was , I acted like I was on the phone so he won't be suspicious or anyth. Remember he doesn't know what I look like.

I saw him and contemplated running away. I mean he wasn't so bad but definitely not my type. I mean I wasn't looking to see if I could date him or whatever, I just went for the fun of it.. But then.. He was so not my type.

I saw someone wit a very big nose :( (no offense that's the best description I can give) I passed him! Walked almost 2blocks away, then thought about it again.. Then I decided to go meet him.

 We exchanged greetings.. hi, side hugs and all that stuffs, then got into the restaurant. He ordered the food, we ate, spoke .. I mean it wasn't so bad afterall.. I mean I spent almost 2 hours w/ him, and left coz I had to run some errands for my mom.

It wasn't so bad, but I don't think or better still , I'm pretty sure we aint gna see each other after today.

I'm OFF to DC tomorrow, Its definitely going to be fun.

I mean its summer, and I'm single.. Just trying to some fun :)

Summer! Summer!

So, I haven't been up to anything new off late asides trying to have fun.. I mean its summer what else could be better.

So I have been going on different dates and I'm gna be blogging about them.. Definitely not going to go into much details.

Few weeks ago.. I thought this was funny so I'll share it and yes.

 I left my uncles, not sure I remember where I was going to .. I think I was about to catch the bus to my brothers' not too sure. Heaven knowz I was dead hungry that day. The only restaurant that was closest to me was Applebees.. And I was contemplating going there to eat, besides I wasn't w/ enough money, but I could still afford it.

I was walking towards applebees when someone called me.. I seriously though I was hearing double because I was too hungry.. But to my surprise, it was a friend.. This dude tht was trying to talk to me last summer.

Anyways, we got into applebees, we spent almost 3hrs there, caught up on old stuffs, gisted, then he dropped me home... I mean it was fun :)

I mean I thought it was funny in a weird way:)